We'd like to welcome Tim Tebow, the newest member of the New York Jets, to his new home in New York City. But unlike Mark Sanchez, the other Jets quarterback who has been known to hit the town once or twice, Mr. Tebow is as famous for his wholesome values as he is for his football skills. In order to make him feel at home, we have put together a helpful guide to places that may sound like a good time, but are sure to upset Tim's good-natured sensibilities. Avoid these places, and you will leave this town just as pure as when you arrived! J E T S! Jets! Jets! Jets!
- Saturday Brunch At Lavo - What could be so harmful with a nice brunch at a classy Italian restaurant? Lots, when the brunch is actually their weekly bikini brunch bacchanal, where people waste thousands of dollars on cheap rose and watch the girls gyrate half nekked.
- Lucky Chengs - Hey Tim, how about some authentic New York City Chinese Food? We know a great place, real authentic, and a great time. Oh the waitresses? Yeah, they are all Drag Queens. That bothers you? Oh Tim, you're such a rube.
- XL At The Out Hotel - Tim, if one of your Florida buddies comes into town and decides to grab a room at the Out and invites you over for drinks at the hotel bar, you may want to take a pass. That's only if being in New York's only all gay hotel offends your Christian values.
- Jaguars 3 - You know that there are four other boroughs besides Manhattan right? But if you want some authentic Italian food in Brooklyn, avoid this new Red Hook restaurant that turns into a burlesque and bikini show after 10.
- Brothers - We're sure you want to keep up with the Florida Gators while you're living in New York, and what better way to do it then to get together with some alumni friends and watch the game at a sports bar. But if someone suggests Boxers, know that you are walking into "New York's Gay Sports Bar".
- Boom Boom Room - Tim, we're sure you'll agree that the best parts about living in New York are the incredible buildings and views that the rest of the country cannot match. But if someone asks you to meet them on top of the Standard Hotel at night to check out the skyline, think again! You'll wind up in the Boom Boom Room, New York's swankiest club that is often filled with celebrities, models and professionals (ahem) that may try to corrupt your values. Stay away.
- Robert's Steakhouse - Tim, New York City has the best steakhouses on Earth. Why don't you meet me at Robert's on the far West Side and we can get our meat on? Bad idea. Robert's is the steakhouse inside the Penthouse Executive Club, and while they serve some delicious cow, it's also a strip club. Not for you, Timmy.
- PDT - Nothing is better after a long day of practice then a nice hot dog, but if someone offers to take you to a secret hot dog place, you better say thanks but no thanks. Because once you pick up the phone to get inside the booth, you will have crossed into PDT, Jim Meehan's speakeasy serving up some powerful cocktails. Not for you Timmy.